I have had many false starts to explaining my illness/condition/affliction.  I did not want to announce my greatest joy with the grave and heavy news of my rare condition. I did not want to come off as dramatic nor not be able to express what this is properly. I feel like I owe this to the brave women that have gone before me, are suffering with it now or will suffer with it in the future.  It is flippantly described as “severe” morning sickness, but that seems like a day at the beach compared to what I had/have and the consequences of said severe morning sickness (a misnomer if ever there was one). Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) is a rare condition that effects about 1% of pregnant women, many consider it to be much more but the condition often goes undiagnosed. Charlotte Bronte is said to have died from it, along with her unborn child.  Being that it is the 21st century, you would think we would have more of a handle on it, but we don’t and many women suffer miserably both mentally and physically.  It robs you of all joy and hope and many have had to make the painful decision to terminate much wanted, planned and tried for pregnancies (the only known ‘cure’ for this disease).  It is not just “severe” morning sickness.  I have read via the HG forums that many women have had major organ failure and near death experiences. I did not know that HG existed prior to having it, I just knew that I could not eat anything and movement made me sicker, that is why a car ride across country nearly killed me.  I am not exaggerating.

I had been pregnant for 3 months with my condition undiagnosed. By the time we got to Seattle my first doctor here was not familiar with HG and told me to eat Saltines and drink gingerale and that I should feel much better going into my 2nd trimester. I got worse. I already could not eat without becoming violently ill, but then I had stopped drinking all together because I suffered the same reaction. Even if I had nothing in my stomach I was still sick and my insides felt like they would become my outsides.  I did not feel pregnant, I felt like I had a terminal illness. I laid on the cold tiles of our bathroom floor, trying to sob wildly, but not being able to produce tears. I had migraine headaches that effected my vision and felt like my skull was being cracked open with a hammer. I begged God on more than one occasion to just let me die. I could not live like this. The worse knowledge I had was that this could all go away if I terminated the pregnancy, it was some sick and twisted non-option and I wondered in my delirium if I was being more selfish by ‘sticking it out’, this couldn’t be good for my baby.  My husband lobbied for me to get admitted to a high risk pregnancy specialist practice which you needed a recommendation for, they agreed to meet me and I was immediately put on an IV since I was severely dehydrated, underweight (at 5’7, I was barely over 100 pounds) and my blood pressure was dangerously low, it didn’t help.  They prescribed me the same anti-nausea meds that they give to cancer patients after chemotherapy, again it did not work. We discussed hospital stay, it was not an option for me I could not be in a strange city away from my husband and my beloved pups, I couldn’t.  It was arranged for an IV to be put in at home so I would be hydrated at all times, the anti-nausea medication was administered via needle attached to my stomach and I had to replace the needle every day (myself!). I had one nurse that came to the apartment each week and I had another nurse that checked my vitals every day. I still could not eat and a medical nutritionist was instituted and made the plan of me eating one spoonful of something, anything every two hours. I could not keep the spoonful down. One sleepless night, after being sick for what seemed like hours I came to bed and had severe chest pains.  This was a problem because I have an existing heart condition. I was born with a murmur and then had Rheumatic fever as a kid (how very Victorian of me).  My low blood pressure was not doing my heart any favors.  The next morning, I calmly told my husband, ‘I thought I was going to die last night’, he calmly replied, ‘I did too’.  We wondered if this was worth it, I hadn’t felt pregnant and I was clearly deteriorating more each day and now we had the very real threat of me going into cardiac arrest. We made an appointment to have my heart checked and another to terminate the pregnancy. I sat with the doctor for what seemed like hours discussing the procedure and then I passed out. I would have preferred to have been struck by lightning or have some other force come in and take me away, when I came to I spoke to a battery of doctors and specialists, I wanted to make sure that my baby was indeed healthy and that this condition hadn’t affected her. Every test came back with glowing results, our baby was perfect and it was a girl!  When my husband found out he looked over at me, his now emaciated and very sick wife and said, ‘she’s going to be so beautiful’.

I have always been able to look on the bright side, even in my most darkest of times, but I couldn’t move past this obstacle, no amount of praying and positive thinking helped. My Frenchie became my shadow she still refuses to leave my side, I had to hang on to the idea that this would pass. Now that I knew that she was perfect, a miracle if there ever was one for me I had a fleeting glimmer of hope and I decided to hold on to that as if our lives depended on it, they did.  I would write down every day in a notebook what I was grateful for, it made me feel better, it started with my being grateful for the ability to drink a sip of water.  And then another miracle happened, I started to get better each day, not 100%, but I was slowly able to eat, drink and take a walk. I could sit up, read, make plans for the future. I am grateful for everything right now, the most minute of details feels like an Everest accomplishment. I am not going  to lie to you, I am scared. I haven’t really worked in five months, income that I had counted on, we have gone through our savings, emergency fund and baby fund, the mounting medical bills are so unbelievably astronomical even with insurance it makes me wish we would have kept driving through Seattle on up to Canada. It’s stressful but I have an unwavering belief that everything is going to be okay, that we will figure this out as long as we are healthy, happy and have a roof over our heads. I am so grateful for my little ‘home’ on the internet, your visits and kind words have kept me going and they still do, I feel very, very lucky to be part of this community and hope to continue to be for many moons. Thank you kindly.

P.S. My last check-up on my heart had the cardiologist in awe. He said, (and I quote), “You dodged a bullet.”  My heart rate was that of an athlete-slow and steady, my blood pressure was close to ‘normal’ and there was nothing for concern, we are out of the danger zone. I am now six months pregnant and look 9 and I am most definitely feeling very pregnant!

My memory of February is still achingly fresh in my mind.  While I was on the plane back from the West coast headed to my country house in the woods of North Carolina I decided that I was going to tell my husband that I wanted to stop trying. I needed a break, I was taxed beyond reason and each month that I did not see a positive sign on my pregnancy test after over 24+ months of trying was heart breaking; I could not take another month of disappointment and grief.  Unless you have been there, you can not comprehend the despair, especially if you have been thoroughly checked and feel like you you are just doing it wrong, wondering why it’s not working or happening for you. My husband and I have always discussed the very real possibility that I may not be able to get pregnant, after all I met my husband late in life and thus time was not on my side.  We made a pact that if f I could not get pregnant that we would not seek out fertility treatments nor adoption, but that I would get a miniature animal farm or at the very least another puppy and become a crazy dog lady.  I secretly had no doubt that I would (until time was proving otherwise). I am Latin and besides the Roman Catholic thing being why there are so many babies in our family, I believe Latin women, especially in my family to be extremely fertile at any age. For years, I avoided direct eye contact with the opposite sex, because you just never know, a wrong glance could prove the next immaculate conception. I had heard of an aunt that got pregnant at 54, a cousin once removed getting pregnant with twins (possibly triplets) at 49, so I figured I had time. After over two long years, I had resigned myself to the fact that I also had my father’s genes and maybe they just weren’t as fruitful as mi madre’s side of the family. I came home from the trip and for the sake of not having a rogue pregnancy test staring up at me from my bathroom drawer for the next six months I decided to use it, of course it read negative, it wasn’t a surprise but one last disappointment.

A couple weeks later I realized I should maybe take another test, things were not on time, but I chalked it up to the travel + stress, we were getting ready to move cross country again and at the time we did not know where. I picked up a test took it and left it on the counter, I didn’t want to see the results and get crushed another time.  My husband went into the loo and about 3 seconds later called out, “Hon, you’re pregnant”, my husband is very matter-of-fact.  A few things went through my mind–1) I thought it was cruel to joke around like that and 2) if it were true I wasn’t going to be able to come up with a charming + clever way to let him know, I wanted it to be a surprise.  No worries, as I walked into the bathroom and he held the test with the very clear words ‘pregnant’, I could see he was most definitely surprised. So many emotions took over–elation, fear, shock, the gamut.  I had an uncontrollable urge to lift my fists in the air ala Rocky Balboa and jog around the house in victory.  We had done the seemingly impossible.

And this my friends is how I am announcing that I am pregnant, knocked up, bun in the oven et al!  I am at this point very pregnant, no one would mistake me for having eaten a large lunch type of pregnant.  We know it is a girl, which suits me well, according to everyone that knows (just a tiny coterie of family & friends). We were convinced it was a boy, so we have had to start getting used to the fact that it is a girl and go back to the drawing board on names.  I am getting excited to meet her in December and welcome her to the world.  I am terrified too and my greatest hope is that we raise a healthy, kind, intelligent, brave and creative individual. This story has a part deux that I will share tomorrow as I am going to dedicate this week to baby, please allow me to indulge myself as I have never been known to keep a secret and it feels grand to finally be able to divulge to you my great news!

I have been thinking about this post for a little bit now, how I would present it and how I could make it work; I am not sure that it can but in my highest of hopes I believe it will, but I will need your help. As you all may be  aware of already I have a passionate pinning obsession.  I had pinned the above delicate ring by Erica Weiner, a beauty if ever there was one, it was a re-pin from my friend Maybelle who has fab taste.  About a month later I got an email from the ever creative Hope asking for my mailing address, she had something that she wanted to send to me–a surprise.  I like a surprises, you?  I then received a note in the mail, I would have been thrilled with just a handwritten card (Hope is a talented designer and lettering artist), but inside my note was the ring I had pinned!  Hope wrote that she saw that I had pinned it and had one that she bought in New York at the Erica Weiner store and wasn’t wearing and thought I would like.  I am still in awe of the kindness, the thoughtfulness and generosity. This my friends is what makes me believe in the goodness of people.  This feeling has not gone away, the feeling of complete and utter delight and appreciation and I was hoping that we could all get on board and experience something like I did. Maybe you have seen a fellow pinner that you follow or are one you are friendly with, pin something that you own and are not using or have extra of and would like to pass along? Or maybe you have the desire to make someone’s day by gifting them one of their pins, or a service (ex. say you have an Etsy store of prints and one got pinned) either way would work, all you need to do is choose a person, choose one of their pins and send them an email then send off your parcel!  I am going to be looking for someone today and I was hoping that you would want to join me?  I was thinking the way it could work is if you asked the recipient to ‘pin it forward’ and pass on the kindness you presented to them to another lucky person and hopefully they are so overcome by your gesture that they do exactly that.  I would love to hear if you end up doing this or if you end up being a lucky recipient that receives something. I can attest that there is nothing quite like getting a special surprise delivery in the mail, it doesn’t have to be extravagant, it could be as simple as passing on a book that you just read to someone that has pinned it. I do hope you join in and I am excited to hear the stories of kindness spread far and wide!

Have an amazing weekend!

With the demise of Google reader it has had the blogosphere up in arms on how one would get their blog fix on. I have to be honest, I hadn’t looked at my reader in ages, it overwhelmed me, as it should have, I was following almost a thousand blogs (most in foreign languages)!  I did get sucked into the hype though and started researching some alternate avenues and found Feedly. Mere words can not express how happy I am with it! It has won my little organized heart, each blog can be put into it’s own custom category (ie. foodie, style, d.i.y.) and when I log-in I can see the blogs I love in multiple views at a glance (the above image is a screen shot of my Feedly feed from two of my fave blogs). I can also mark each post as read or save them if they really tickle my fancy. Being able to put the blogs into categories has helped me not be inundated with randomness and keep my blog procrastination to a minimum (sort of).  It was high time I organized my reader and also clean out my inbox as I was still receiving a dozen updates from blogs via email, which is so old school and also stressful. I have to say taking the time to unsubscribe to the blogs and add them to my Feedly was well worth the little effort I made. Now, I need to update my blog roll, it has been terribly neglected and I do have so many blogs that I would love to give some attention to and even favorites that I haven’t added to it yet, for shame!

In other news, I have been working like a madwoman behind the scenes to try to organize this here blog. I so want a visual ‘at a glance’ search for things like lettering supplies or the oft asked questions about my camera equipment and set-up, just an easy ‘hey there it is’, instead of having to search futilely through blog post after blog post. I have started to work with a gallery plug-in, which I am on the fence about and am not even sure if it will work for what I am trying to accomplish–technology!  I am also considering this plug-in for comments, I love the idea that I can easily see your latest posts or tweets (if you don’t have a blog), but I don’t know how it will mesh with my simple design. I do urge you, if you leave a comment here and have a site to make sure you put in your URL so people can click over and visit. I know I personally love visiting your sites and I am sure others like that option as well.

If any of you are on WordPress do you have gallery plug-in options you think I should consider? Or requests for making this spot an even better place?

I am getting really excited as I have a laundry load of upcoming lettering artist interviews lined up and I think you will love all of them!  In the interim I spotted this charming design, the lettering was done by brush by designer Christine Wisnieski.  I love how effortless brush lettering looks and I have tried on many occasions without success to try to re-create.  I am sure there is a trick that I just don’t know about (yet), but I will find out and you better believe the minute I do I will share my finds with you! I found this tutorial (please note the quality in the beginning is suspect), I haven’t tried the Pentel Brush Fountain Pen (which is what I believe she may be using) but you can find them at most art stores and John Neal Bookseller carries them as well. Illustrator Ryan Hamrick has this video using a Pentel color brush which looks a lot neater than paint + brush! This video explains how to use the Pentel brush, which can be a little tricky. I also sourced some fonts that will give a similar look, not a perfect match but something you can play with until you (like me) get better at the brush lettering (or iF you have no desire to break out the brushes). Here are some of the brush lettering type fonts to consider: Tip put the word you want in the ‘sample text’ below each font and you can you see a live preview of the word you want to try your new font in, in this case I wrote out ‘caramel corn’–Bello, Milk Cursive, Enamel Brush, Roadstar, Filmtype Keynote, HT Trattoria, and Confetti. Here’s a good free one!

If you have any experience with brush lettering and feel like divulging any tips and tricks please leave your valuable info in the comments along with links to your work and I can guarantee that we will be forever grateful!